Being the "relaxed mum"

-
Having met quite a few mums in the various groups I've attended over the last few weeks here, several of them have said something along the lines of how relaxed and in my element I seem to be, despite being in a pretty stressful situation (on my own with the kids 24/7 in a strange city). This type of comment isn't new, I often get it at home as well.

In the past I've usually deflected and made a joke of it - "oh it's amazing what a little make up can do to make you look fresher" - but the truth is, I use hardly any makeup and I really am relaxed as a mother. I'm finding this gig less demanding than I think a lot of the mums I know do. Here are a few reasons why, perhaps they help some of you reading this!

Most importantly: I trust that they love me. I don't have to earn their love by giving into them, by being anything more than I am; I love them with all my being and I have a deep, simple trust that they cannot fail to love me. More about the reason why I know this deep down is in this blog post.

I absolutely always keep my word. My yes is a yes and my no (which is used sparingly!) is and remains a no. If I promise something - and I'm extremely careful what I promise - they can rest in the knowledge that I will follow through, and stop asking. If I threaten something (never punishment, just a logical consequence like "if you pour water out of the bath again, you're coming out") - and I'm just as careful about what I threaten - they also know I will follow through, and without delay. I accept their tears and I'm with them through their disappointment if I have to follow through such a threat, always offering a hug, but nothing will change.

I don't take difficult times personally. I've been known to say "S/he's having a hard time" when emotional meltdowns happen - I don't call them tantrums because I feel that's patronising. They really are having a hard time, they're not out to give me a hard time! I can have compassion when this happens and offer my calm rather than adding to their distress by having a tantrum of my own.

I'm in charge and I don't apologise for that. I see my role as a loving leader. I give them as much freedom as I possibly can - letting them play as freely as possible, asking about and respecting their wishes, allowing them to learn through their own mistakes and successes - but at the end of the day, I'm in charge and my job is to make them feel safe within the boundaries I create.

As a result I have children who are secure, feel safe and loved, run to me for support but walk away from me confidently when ready. They don't beg, whine or attempt to manipulate me because they know it won't work. I am authentic with them, and they with me. They are great fun to be around, which is a major reason why I'm as relaxed as I am. This parenting gig is full on, but it's the greatest and most fulfilling thing I've ever done.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Home Ed Questions: what about socialisation?

-
Image
Last week, a reporter and cameraman from the BBC visited our house to do a feature about home education. It was great fun, a real adventure for the kids to be interviewed! The team spent 90 minutes at our house, but of course they had to condense that down to a couple of minutes for the feature, and sadly the kids' interviews didn't make the cut. (A transcript article of the feature is here ) I had put my hand up for doing this because the reporter had every intention to make this a positive piece on home education, and so it was; the premise was to try and answer why there had been such an uptick in home education in the past few years. They interviewed two mothers, probably strategically chosen: me as the one who always wanted to home educate, and the other mum as someone who felt she had to due to her son's needs.  They interviewed me at length, and of course only a few seconds of that made it to the screen, but inevitably it was the part to do with social skills that th
Read more

Thrown into to a new reality, then back to the old

-
Image
Towards the end of August this year, Mr. and I suddenly faced a very different future to the one we had envisioned: at 42 years old - and he's 55 - I found myself pregnant again. Camping after our summer trip - and I've just found out I'm pregnant As it's been seven years since D(7) was born, we really didn't expect that. We would have loved more kids soon after D, but I just never got pregnant. Seven years on, we were pretty convinced that this was our lot. Two beautiful children, we really can't complain! So we needed a bit of time to digest that. A new baby, with siblings 8 and nearly 10 years older! And Mr. would be 75 when that child was 20... the maths was mind boggling. But hey - if that was our new reality, we were going to run with it! The kids certainly were excited about it, they're old enough to understand and yes, we told them; this is a family matter. I knew there was a chance this pregnancy wouldn't work out, but we felt they had a right t
Read more

2023: Our Year

-
Image
This is the yearly roundup post - as I've done almost every year for 2022 ,  2021 ,  2020 ,  2019 ,  2018 ,  2017 , 2016 seems to be skipped as I got to grips with mothering two little ones, and  2015 . 2023 was, for us, a year of highlights and milestones as well as getting on with life and growing.  Milestones This year, Mr. and I were married for the third (!) time, almost exactly ten years after we first tied the knot. Some of the background (and lots more pictures) about this is here  - in short, our three weddings were firstly the Register Office legal wedding that only Mr.'s parents attended as witnesses; secondly the church wedding at City Church where we invited everyone, also in 2013; and now, finally, following the annulment of Mr's previous marriages, we made our marriage sacramental by having it convalidated in the Catholic Church. 2023 was also the year that saw N(9)'s First Holy Communion. A beautiful celebration of her now being old enough to understand
Read more