Will Dig Life

I have spent years in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I've never been drunk in my life, but I've abused food in the way others abuse alcohol and had found a way to live sanely through  GSA , a group that directly applies AA principles to food issues. When there were no GSA meetings in my area, for years I attended AA meetings, and studied their literature in depth throughout my recovery. I'm no longer a member of GSA because I was supernaturally healed - any AA/GSA member will tell you that recovery is a life long process, you are never 'healed', and that is true in the natural; but one day, I was set free and I knew it and I have never looked back. But that's a story for another day. What I want to share is how what I learned from AA applies directly to my mothering, and is keeping me sane. Those slogans are  lifesavers . You may want to memorise some of them... One Day At A Time. I had a bracelet made with this slogan on. I tend to live in the fut

I write this with my baby resting on my chest, skin-to-skin, towards the end of an evening filled with pained crying - she's got colic, although it's been improving very much and crying has become a fairly rare event. It strikes me that this is my new normal... life has truly changed. Sofa time I'm convinced I've spent more time on the sofa in the past two months than in the entire time we've owned it before baby. The first few weeks I literally fed her all day, all the time, with breaks of up to (!) 15 minutes. She was  hungry!  and I was sore.  At night she'd sleep fairly well, three wakings to feed, which is still her pattern. But as the initial dust settles, we seem to have found a rhythm together, and days are beginning to be somewhat predictable. Not that I expect that to be in any way permanent! But right now, it's lovely. This is how a typical, new-normal day looks now. At  night , babe wakes around 2, 4, and 6am so I have a good chunk of

Every so often I read about things like  BPA in plastic causing cancer  or how  even disposable 'eco' nappies take a lifetime to decompose  and I think about my family's health and our impact on the world. And often I do try to do something about it. Not always; I'm reasonably green-minded but I have to admit that if it significantly inconveniences us or costs too much, it doesn't happen. I'm not all-or-nothing about it - just trying to reduce our footprint while maintaining a reasonable quality of life. So, recently after reading an  article  written by a woman in New York who generates 'Zero Waste' I've been thinking about our family's ways again. I do think we're quite green in some ways, but I don't think we're all that radical... here are some things we've thought about, and what we're doing about them. Baby being washed in water :) BPA in plastic and cans . Apparently  tinned tomatoes are the worst offende

An alternative title for this post could have been, "Things that make me cry"... I've never cried easily. In fact, there must have been whole years in which I never cried. How times change. Happy baby She cries a lot less than I do I've been crying often since giving birth. No, I'm not depressed - I'm just experiencing emotions much deeper than I ever have before. And not just in relation to my child. A few things that have made me cry lately: Joy . The most surprising thing, the depth of joy I've experienced with this baby; just looking at her, watching her as she sleeps or feeds or looks wide eyed at the world, has reduced me to tears. As I talk to her and tell her how much I love her, more often than not I cry and fail to get the words out. But she doesn't seem to mind. Thankfulness . The other day, baby was in her hammock and I had some cuddles with the dog when I just lost it at the sheer amount of love surrounding me - Mr. came home j

She's five weeks old tomorrow. So  little ! So  big ! Such a  short  space of time to get to know her, yet I feel so incredibly close to her. Such  long  days, each full of new learning yet one much like the other. Opposite things totally true at the same time. No one ever told me (or perhaps there's no way of appreciating until you experience it) just how all-consuming this mothering business is. Days fly by and suddenly she's a month old and I'm starting to get into a routine at the same time as still feeling like I have no idea what I'm doing. I learn new things every day about how to take care of this little person. But I'm learning another lesson, too: how to humbly accept help. I'm not a natural at that... I've been receiving so much help in the last few weeks. The church has organised a rota that continues until next week, where friends bring us dinner every other day. Six weeks without really cooking - time to get our act together eno

It's been exactly a week since the birth. Our new addition is one week old: still brand new. This brand new human being is ours to care for, protect, and... name. Lots of thought has gone into her name, and I thought I'd share how we came to it; just so you know though, I won't use her actual name in this post as it's in the public domain. If you know us, you know her name. We chose her name (and a boy's name) almost as soon as we knew we were expecting. Choosing the baby's name was one of the very first things we could do for her, one of our first acts of parental decision making. In choosing the two names - a boy's and a girl's - we started off with some practical considerations: We needed to like the meaning of a name. I personally find 'flower' names for girls pretty meaningless - my own name means 'Lily' - so pretty names like Rose, Violet, Hazel were eliminated. Some Biblical names also carry meanings I didn't want to put

As so many people have asked me, I've decided to write about my experience giving birth. Before I went through it myself, I read about it, took an NCT course with my Mr., and asked friends about their experiences. All of which was helpful, and did help prepare me, but on the day so much went differently and the reality looked and felt unlike anything I'd imagined - especially my fears, which loomed very large on the evening before: they came true (I was induced by drip) yet the fear turned out to have been worse than the reality. Our brand new daughter 20 hours old This post will be long, and it will be honest.  If you wish, stick with me; if you just want the gist of it, here goes: I was induced at 38 weeks and 5 days, after unsuccessful membrane sweep and prostaglandin gel the method was the syntocinon drip. From the start of established labour (3 hours after drip start) to birth was less than four hours, and I used gas & air (entonox) as pain relief. My daughter

All the worry I'm facing at the moment about gestational diabetes, all the complications associated with that, have really taken up most of my thinking lately. I've been reading about it voraciously, too. And what I've been finding has been extremely helpful in bringing me back from the brink of panic, where I was last week. I'm grateful I had the glucose tolerance test that discovered my gestational diabetes. Because of it, I've been  very  careful about my diet in the weeks since. Gestational diabetes can cause complications because: the baby can grow too large sugar spikes in the mother can 'age' the placenta prematurely, causing it to deteriorate in function towards the end of pregnancy the baby can be born with too much insulin (as he/she was having to compensate for mother's sugar highs) Well, in my case - I know baby's perfectly sized because of weekly ultrasounds Baby's amniotic fluid is perfectly adequate too, not too muc

As I sit here writing this, my belly is moving on its own. I'm getting kicked in the ribs. At 36 weeks, this bump has acquired a distinct life of its own. And like the life inside, I have changed and matured a lot in the last 36 weeks. I've never wanted to be a mother. When we got married, I agreed to be open to the possibility; and when I became pregnant, I knew how much I would need my heart to change over the months it would take to grow this baby.  And yes , it's happened - is still happening! So am I ready to be someone's mother for the rest of my life? Uh, that's way, way too big a question to contemplate! What I know is that I am a mother already. I haven't met my child, but he/she is real and alive and I am his/her mother.  And yes , I do love this child! Which is why I am terrified, utterly terrified to the point of crying every time I think of it, that he or she could possibly not be OK. I have gestational diabetes, which I control with a str

Have you heard of the Ice Bucket Challenge? It's the latest social media craze. Everyone who's someone (or wants to be) is doing it - and not just in the States. If you can view it,  the BBC has picked up on it ... Most notably to date I think, even Bill Gates took it - using his own contraption! Oprah did it, Mark Zuckerberg did it, President Obama has been challenged as well, but has yet to respond. Why are people doing this? It's a fundraiser for ALS. And why does it matter? Because, according to the New York times, this harmless bit of fun has been powerful... As of Sunday, the [ALS] association said it had received $13.3 million in donations since July 29, compared with $1.7 million during the same period last year. So, why am I writing about this? I'm impressed, no awed, at the positive power of the Internet to bring to the attention of millions a disease that few people have, and therefore hardly any research is being done into. But it's not an acad

Life -  God  - has a fine sense of irony sometimes. I'm on a diet. Now, to most people that would hardly be a big deal... but to me it is - I don't think I have  ever  said those words before! Back when I was trapped in food hell (I shared a bit more about this  here ), it would have  killed  me to admit I had anything other than a nondescript relationship with food.  Nobody could know . The fact that my weight losses and gains were impossible to miss, the fact that I had to carry my shame in public, in my body for all the world to see, how I hated it - but I would never say a word. Later, when I was in 12-Step recovery, I learned to admit publicly that I had a problem with food and was following a programme to address it. [The fact that I would never eat outside of three committed, weighed and measured meals - which sometimes meant taking the scale out in public and weighing my food at restaurants, conferences, working lunches etc. - could hardly be missed.] I was ab

I've loved writing this little series, like taking a slow stroll down memory lane. Even though it's been less than three years - those were three eventful, life changing years and we're hurtling at speed towards the next milestone (baby!) so taking the time to sit and walk down that memory lane at leisure has been so lovely. One Proposal November 2012. It was a weekend like any other, I was in Bristol visiting Mr. and we were home, at his place. We were having a relaxed day with not much on at all. Over the time we'd spent talking, it had gone dark (as it does early in the day at that time of year) and we hadn't put the lights on. We sat, facing each other, and he went quiet as he held both my hands and seemed to hold them quite tightly. I just enjoyed the moment, a shared silence. After a while, I heard him say - very softly - " Please, marry me. " There was no fanfare. He wasn't on one knee. Because it had gone dark I couldn't see his face

If there was a subtitle to this post, it would be  Faith & Love . When we met in Fuerteventura, it took us all week to establish that we were definitely going to meet up again, so it wasn't until the flight home that we had a real, deep conversation about... well, deep things. He asked me if I knew how old he was, and I honestly didn't - and was honestly surprised to find him 12 years my senior, which I'd never have guessed! Also, divorced. None of it thwarted the sense of peace I had, though, as I sat there in the airport cafe with him holding hands. On the flight back, we had four more hours to talk. Cutting to the chase, at one point I asked: "What do you think of God?" - a pause, a breath, a gulp later, the answer boiled down to agnostic; he thought there was more than just the physical, that there was a spiritual dimension, but not a personal God with thoughts and feelings. My next question was, "So what do you live for?" - another pause

There's a wedding at our church tomorrow, two dear friends getting married and we'll be there cheering. And earlier this week another dear friend in a distant place has been in touch to say she's found love. So today I'm reminiscing, thinking back to the heady days of getting to know Mr. and growing closer - sometimes I feel so settled in our togetherness, it's strange to think I haven't always been with him. But it's only been about two and a half years since we first met! So, if you'll please indulge me, I'll try to keep it short but this is the story of our love. We met on holiday. Going with a group seemed like good option for me as a single who didn't want to be alone on holiday, but neither did I want to go on a 'singles' trip. I found  Traveleyes , who offer group holidays where half the people in the group are blind/partially sighted and the other half are sighted. As a sighted guide, you just act as a friend and helper to a d

A non-baby post, for a change! Our 'spare room' - which will be baby's room. Small but perfectly formed... We live on a boat. A large boat as boats go, but a small space by most local standards. It's a confined space without outdoor space of our own, and that has some downsides - notably, the dog needs to be walked every time he needs the toilet, he can't just be let out. Later on when we've got the child, equally, I can't just open the back door and say, out you go! Beyond that I truly struggle to come up with downsides. I love living in the city. My grandmother, with whom I rarely agreed about anything, was a city dweller all her adult life (and brought up two children in Vienna) and could not understand why anybody  wouldn't  choose to live in such a convenient place. I lived in New York City for a while and I'm still in touch with an amazing family with three girls who choose to live in Manhattan, right in the place which the majority of