Living from Rest

Rest has been on my mind a lot lately - for several years now, I have been having occasional episodes of being simply unable to sleep; not to fall asleep initially, but I find myself waking up in the middle of the night and then unable to drop off again, for many hours. This has been occasional and manageable, but it feels like it's happening more often. 

The cause for my waking isn't always internal - often it's the dog, or a noise, someone going to the toilet during the night - but once I'm awake on those occasions, I'm awake. I purposely don't look at my phone at those times, and I have a bedside clock with a red display (which is supposed to not interfere with the sleep hormones) so that's all I check, and I'll try to drop off again. I think, I pray, I try to empty my mind... but the dropping off just doesn't happen.

I've looked into reasons for this, and what keeps coming up is chronic stress - cortisol. But the thing is, I'm not stressed!

Or am I?

The truth is, I live in the most settled, most restful period of my life - ever. The kids are in their golden years, much more independent than they used to be but not yet experiencing the turmoil of puberty. Our home and marriage are at peace. Why would I be stressed?

Joy, so much laughter in our home

As I thought about this more, though, I came to realise that stress has formed me. Growing up in the environment I did, hyper-vigilance became my normal: I am never groggy or unable to form a thought, as some people are in the morning: I am fully there, ready to respond to any emergencies, always. My guard is always up. 

I sat in church the other day, and pictured my thoughts like a hamster on a wheel. Or perhaps better, like a caged ferret, going this way and that, restless, always planning and plotting and working stuff through. I do think that the constant attention grab / distraction by the phone hasn't helped - and this is something I've been consciously working on for many years now, see an example here - but as I'm getting older and have put the phone more and more in its place over the years, I have found this hasn't actually made the amount of difference I thought it would. Or that it should have done.

The reason for this may simply be that the phone was never the root problem. It hasn't helped, or rather, it probably exacerbated the issue, but the issue beneath is how switched on I always am; there is no switching off, there never has been.

For the kids, I have to learn to live from rest

I think I've done okay in not passing this kind of hyper-vigilance on to my kids. They have no perceived threats in their day-to-day lives, and their lightness and joy in living is something I'm actively trying to protect - not least by minimising the amount of tech in their lives... see above at breakfast, they're somehow reading several things at once while also eating!

But where does this leave me?

My phone use is already fairly minimal - I do what I need to do, but rarely more. But this hasn't made me a more internally restful person. 

Perhaps intention is the key. Entering purposely into each moment, disciplining myself into just sitting with a cup of coffee: without a podcast, without checking emails, without making to-do lists. Getting sunlight into my eyes (as it gets rarer, with the dark times of year drawing in), breathing fresh air. I love doing stuff with the kids in the fresh air, every single day; sometimes big outings, sometimes just a dog walk or visit to the playground. But I tend to try and 'be productive' when the kids are off having fun, and perhaps just sitting, watching, and being present is the better way.

Mary, sister of Martha, pray for me. That I may learn to just sit, just be, and even pray from rest rather than mental activity. 

Getting some fresh air at Chepstow Castle