Have you ever done something that really goes against your values, just because it seemed easiest at the time? I suppose we all have.
In our case, it was the lockdown that got us stuck in the lie for the long term and that showed us that we shouldn't have done it to begin with - but, it seemed easier to lie, and then we just got progressively uneasier about it as time passed.... but felt stuck.
What I'm talking about felt like a little white lie at first, even funny: we let the kids believe that Mr. continued to go to work every morning when in fact he was working from home, disappearing into the spare room before they woke up. The spare room door is always closed, so that was not unusual to them. I would bring him coffee and lunch, and when finished, he would sneak downstairs, open and close the door, and pretend he had just come in.
Why lie, you ask? It was just the easier way. So they wouldn't be tempted to try and talk to him, distract him from work; so he could get it done as quickly as possible and then fully be with us when he finished.
But this whole charade taught me a few things. We had a few close calls (where they thought they heard his voice when he was on a call, or when they tried to go in the spare room and I stopped them; and once N(5) asked him why he wasn't wearing his cycling clothes when he came in) and the idea that they would find out we had lied to them was terrifying. Way more terrifying than just the prospect of them finding out he was in the house after all: the terror was because of the loss of trust in our word if they found we had lied. It made me very aware of the huge capital of trust they have in us, and how important that is to me - when I tell them something, they are not sceptical, they do not second guess me. They know I will tell them the truth even when it's not easy.
I don't lie to them about Santa, about the Easter Bunny, about the Tooth Fairy... We decided long ago that we would not confuse our kids with fairy stories - because what if, one day, they learn the truth and that casts doubt on everything we have taught them?
Trust is so important.
And so, over the course of two or three weeks, we were getting progressively uneasy about the situation but felt stuck with it. Then Mr. was put on holiday for two weeks and we were free, hooray! Two weeks felt like such a long time that we didn't even think about what to do afterwards. So when the time came, last Thursday, we just did the same thing without really thinking about it.
Still feeling off about it, but that hadn't come to the surface yet.
Others, when we mentioned it, laughed along with us about how we managed to hide dad all day every day! How funny!
But why are our children so gullible? Because they trust us. Perhaps even despite or above their own perceptions, as they must have had an inkling... this trust has been built up over years and I can't believe I was risking this treasure - this unshaken belief that what I said was truth! Once shaken, this would not easily be rebuilt. And I was recklessly risking it.
What pulled me out to finally stop was an exchange of text messages with a friend who parents with similar values to ours. He was, while not criticising, just nonplussed - asking why, and when I explained, a simple "oh okay" conveyed a kind of non agreement with what we did. He wasn't laughing at the kids credulity. I wonder if he was disappointed to see us doing this.
Or perhaps I'm reading things between the lines that aren't there, just because I know they would never do this - and because I wasn't at ease with living this lie to begin with.
In any case: it stops now. From tomorrow we will tell them that he is in the house, but is working and must not be disturbed. This is an exercise in setting and holding boundaries rather than avoiding the kids encountering a boundary. Harder perhaps, but such a relief to live in integrity before the children again!
In our case, it was the lockdown that got us stuck in the lie for the long term and that showed us that we shouldn't have done it to begin with - but, it seemed easier to lie, and then we just got progressively uneasier about it as time passed.... but felt stuck.
What I'm talking about felt like a little white lie at first, even funny: we let the kids believe that Mr. continued to go to work every morning when in fact he was working from home, disappearing into the spare room before they woke up. The spare room door is always closed, so that was not unusual to them. I would bring him coffee and lunch, and when finished, he would sneak downstairs, open and close the door, and pretend he had just come in.
But this whole charade taught me a few things. We had a few close calls (where they thought they heard his voice when he was on a call, or when they tried to go in the spare room and I stopped them; and once N(5) asked him why he wasn't wearing his cycling clothes when he came in) and the idea that they would find out we had lied to them was terrifying. Way more terrifying than just the prospect of them finding out he was in the house after all: the terror was because of the loss of trust in our word if they found we had lied. It made me very aware of the huge capital of trust they have in us, and how important that is to me - when I tell them something, they are not sceptical, they do not second guess me. They know I will tell them the truth even when it's not easy.
I don't lie to them about Santa, about the Easter Bunny, about the Tooth Fairy... We decided long ago that we would not confuse our kids with fairy stories - because what if, one day, they learn the truth and that casts doubt on everything we have taught them?
Trust is so important.
And so, over the course of two or three weeks, we were getting progressively uneasy about the situation but felt stuck with it. Then Mr. was put on holiday for two weeks and we were free, hooray! Two weeks felt like such a long time that we didn't even think about what to do afterwards. So when the time came, last Thursday, we just did the same thing without really thinking about it.
Still feeling off about it, but that hadn't come to the surface yet.
Others, when we mentioned it, laughed along with us about how we managed to hide dad all day every day! How funny!
But why are our children so gullible? Because they trust us. Perhaps even despite or above their own perceptions, as they must have had an inkling... this trust has been built up over years and I can't believe I was risking this treasure - this unshaken belief that what I said was truth! Once shaken, this would not easily be rebuilt. And I was recklessly risking it.
What pulled me out to finally stop was an exchange of text messages with a friend who parents with similar values to ours. He was, while not criticising, just nonplussed - asking why, and when I explained, a simple "oh okay" conveyed a kind of non agreement with what we did. He wasn't laughing at the kids credulity. I wonder if he was disappointed to see us doing this.
Or perhaps I'm reading things between the lines that aren't there, just because I know they would never do this - and because I wasn't at ease with living this lie to begin with.
In any case: it stops now. From tomorrow we will tell them that he is in the house, but is working and must not be disturbed. This is an exercise in setting and holding boundaries rather than avoiding the kids encountering a boundary. Harder perhaps, but such a relief to live in integrity before the children again!
Lovely. Honest.
ReplyDeletePragmatism always has a hitch, then a glitch. I think there’s a place for pragmatism, such as when there’s no screwdriver around and a butter knife will do. But to live by principle is a glorious freedom.
It will all work out. �� �� ��