When the kids won't cooperate
My kids are generally very cooperative. I've written before about how I really try to reserve "no" for occasions where it's really needed; and how I welcome questions about why I'm asking whatever it is from them. I always try to help them understand why I'm asking something of them - and normally, even if they're less than enthusiastic about it, they'll do it because they understand why.
But they do occasionally draw lines. And when I don't understand why they don't want to do a particular thing, I'm sometimes slow to pick up on their refusal and work through it... we name feelings, try to ease whatever is causing the discomfort - but sometimes, working through it means that I stop asking them to do it.
This doesn't mean they rule the roost: it simply means that where they truly feel unhappy about doing something that isn't essential to health and safety, I won't make them. Sounds basic, doesn't it? But how often do we force our kids to do things they really don't want to do?
I have done it so many times. Because I know the experience is good for them, or I'm certain they'll enjoy it if they only give it a try... and every time I've forced them, every single time to date, both they and me have ended up frustrated and at loggerheads. More importantly, forcing them puts us into a me-against-them situation; I'm stronger so I can force my will on them, but do I want to? No! I want them to know I'm on their team, not someone they need to defend themselves against!
There are many instances where it's taken me way too long to stop pushing and accept no as the answer. When neither of them wanted to go cycling, I made them - and we all had a terrible time. Last Christmas, we decided that taking part in a Nativity play would be fun; the kids said no thanks, we insisted, and they spent the entire time with on stage with the kids glued onto us and refusing to do anything.
Earlier this week, again, we thought it would be fun to make a video production - acting out a story, dressing up, all the fun stuff other kids seem to enjoy doing. I enthusiastically explained what we were going to do, they listened, and N(5) immediately said no thanks. D(4) was hesitant, so I tried to sweep him along... but as things progressed, he became more and more unhappy about the entire idea. Somehow I still thought it was a good idea to carry on. I put his shoes on him; he took them off, crying they were uncomfortable. He took his dress-up gear off and sat unhappily on the floor... and I finally got it.
My kids don't have to enjoy what other kids enjoy. They are individuals. And if performing isn't something they feel comfortable with - even though I don't understand because they do role play together all the time and D loves to dress up - then it's my job to respect their no. Just as I expect them to respect mine.